The Light of Cancer

Praying at St. Peter’s altar

I see my cancer as darkness, not an evil. As a result of having cancer, I have had too many beautiful experiences to consider calling it evil. I recently returned from Europe. It was a trip that never would have happened unless I had cancer. I visited a friend in Rome, whom I never would’ve met unless I had cancer. This friend is also my spiritual advisor, of which I wouldn’t have seen the need of having, prior to my diagnosis. I also visited Switzerland and stayed in a friend’s chateau, which wouldn’t have happened unless I had cancer. Not that my friend wouldn’t have offered it, but taking the time and finances to travel to Switzerland would never have crossed my mind. (Disclaimer, I am insecure about telling people that I’ve traveled to Europe because so many people have been so generous with helping my family and me financially. But please know that my individual round trip ticket to Europe was just under $40, another beautiful thing as a result of cancer.)

Cancer has helped me define what’s really important. Cancer has been the source of me connecting with friends I haven’t seen in years. I’ve reconnected with friends from elementary, junior high, high school, college and grad school, which wouldn’t have happened unless I had cancer. I often hear, “It sucks that it took cancer to reconnect”, but they are missing the beauty of the situation… the reconnection. I agree cancer is not fun, but there is nothing more important to me than spending time with family and friends, and I’m blessed because I have the best family and friends.

I have loved ones and friends who have died from cancer and I’m not blind to the pain and suffering cancer causes on the person and their families. I’ve experienced pain and suffering from cancer. I told Janie after my last surgery, “I don’t want another surgery”, because it was painful physically and emotionally. I was worn down. I know I’m not immune to the pain and the suffering cancer causes. I know I’m not done with my pain and suffering. I will experience more darkness and fear, beyond what I’ve ever experienced. But I hope to remember the beautiful experiences and insight cancer has given me. I often meditate on the thought of light covering my body and wiping out the darkness within me. Every phone call, message, email, text, and kind gesture from any of you sparks the light inside of me to help face the darkness.

This upcoming week is a week of fear and uncertainty. I have a body scan on Monday and I receive the results Wednesday and I have a brain scan on Tuesday and get the results the same day. I was able to receive chemo this past Friday, which I was excited about because I was unable to receive my last scheduled chemo because my blood work results weren’t satisfactory. By not having my scheduled chemo, my feet didn’t hurt and I was able to walk all around Rome and the Swiss Riviera pain-free. I truly believe there’s a purpose for everything, I never will be able to understand why, but I believe it.

I want to give a special thank you to Cardinal Stafford for being a great friend, spiritual advisor, and tour guide. Thank you to the Sisters of Mercy for your kindness and prayers. Thank you Annie Umbricht and your family for your generous hospitality and care. And last but not least the Martins, mes amis, I love you guys.

St. Paul’s Basilica, which I love

Janie and Cardinal Stafford leaving St. Paul’s Basilica

Janie and Cardinal Stafford admiring Rome

The beautiful town of St. Prex. Where we stayed in Switzerland.

Our backyard in St. Prex

The boat that took us to Chateau de Chillon

Janie and I resting in Chateau de Chillon

Enjoying Switzerland’s beautiful countryside.

Thomas, our wonderful host, and I having a talk on the wall. This was around 9:30 at night and it was just dusk.

Our beautiful chateau. Thanks again Annie Umbricht and family for your kindness and generosity.

The Martins and Weins on our last day at Lac Leman, Lake Geneva for the non-Swiss.