Spring is here

I know it’s been awhile since my last post and a lot has happened.  This post will update everyone on my health. In January both my brain and body scans came back “no evidence of disease”.  It’s official, I’ve made it past the five-year date of being diagnosed! This has been my dream since I was diagnosed. The past five years have been the darkest yet joyous of my life.  It has been quite the rollercoaster ride and I’m still on it. I’ve learned to appreciate the views before the drops. Five years ago, I truly began living and learning about life.

Even though it has been five years, I still feel the roller coaster drops.  After my colonoscopy I vividly remember being told, you have a large mass, and then in the emergency department being told you have stage four cancer.  I recall my oncologist walking into my room for the first time and telling me, you probably won’t beat this.  I remember being told, you have a mass in your brain.  I’ve replayed those moments in my mind millions of times and I can still feel the emotions.  The one experience I can’t clearly recall is being told, there’s nothing else we can do for you.  I’ve tried and tried to remember the interaction with the doctor but I can’t replay it.  It’s as if it has been wiped clean from my memory. All I can remember about that moment is the doctor’s back walking out of the office and then looking at Janie and seeing tears in her eyes.  That moment was the biggest drop I’ve experienced so far. However, I can also relive beautiful moments from the past five years and I try to do that more often. Fortunately for me, there have been more beautiful moments than difficult ones.  

Countless times I’ve wondered  what my life would look like if I never had cancer.  What would my relationships be like with Janie and my kids?  How would my friendships be different? Would I have a relationship with God?  Would I still be in Maryland? For every struggle I’ve had that leads me to think I wish cancer never happened, I can think of a meaningful experience or friendship that wouldn’t exist if I never had cancer.  Most times if I’m thinking I wish I never had cancer, I’m in a bad place emotionally.

When reflecting on my life, I’ve seen how things have lined up for me.  I am not special in any way. I don’t know why I’m alive and so many of my friends with this disease have died.  I have no idea what the plan is or the direction of my path, but I know and have faith I’m on the right path. All of you reaffirm that I’m on the right path.  I’ve forged new friendships that have positively impacted me and my family. I’ve rekindled friendships that were lost. I’ve also strengthened friendships that were here all along.  

When reflecting on the past five years, the most important thing for me is that I’ve been able to see my children grow.  I’ve banked five years of hugs, kisses, smiles, laughter and cuddles. I’ve also had five years worth of failed ponytails, dressing them in bad matching outfits, painful hair-brushing techniques, been called mean and embarrassing, and have witnessed or have been the cause of many a meltdown.  I smile to myself because I’ve gotten to experience being a father to two amazing daughters. This is a gift I can never take for granted.

Also for five more years, I’ve been able to be a husband. I’ve been blessed to have Janie by my side. I know it hasn’t been easy.  When I think of what life would look like without cancer, often it is because I wish you never experienced this pain.  We made it five years and have forever to go. Happy Birthday.

Saint Justin the Martyr once said, “The greatest grace God can give someone is to send him a trial he cannot bear with his own powers- and then sustain him with his grace so he may endure to the end and be saved.”

So I guess I’ve been given the greatest grace God can give.  

Sad new, my friend Sara passed away after Christmas.  Often, we would research treatment centers from all over the world and share our findings and ideas in hopes of one of these centers having the answer to our cancer puzzle.   She was a great comfort to me and to so many others with cancer.  Please hold her husband and three beautiful girls in your hearts and prayers.

Anabel having fun in the snow yesterday.

Katie enjoying the day off from school.

Janie you are quite a lucky lady.  You didn’t marry the handsome neurosurgeon in the white coat nor the handsome neurosurgeon in the black fleece.  No, you married the stud in the middle. Happy birthday beautiful.