Where do I begin…I’ve had a rough couple of days.

I learned today that I will probably never be cancer free and the new goal for me is to have my cancer become stable. This came from the results of yesterday’s CT scan. I have a new tumor in my left lung and a new tumor in my right lung. I also learned that my cancer is aggressive. The problem isn’t that the tumors are in spots that can’t be radiated, but rather they are new and not from the original scan like the other tumors. Both doctors that I met with recommended not getting radiation right away because more spots can appear and I need to be careful of how much radiation I receive. One of the most difficult things about this is my discussions with doctors about treatment are focused extending my life and not about being “cancer free”. I’m hoping the new chemo I’m on can help stabilize the growth of these tumors.

My head has been spinning for the past two days. Part of me is in denial and thinks I can still be cancer free. Part of me is in shock. The biggest part of me is sad because I constantly think about my family and want to be here for them. It tears me apart to think there will come a time when I won’t be here for my wife and kids. I constantly find myself looking at Katie and Anabel and wondering What will they look like as teenagers? What will they remember about me? How will my illness affect Janie and the girls? Hands down, the absolute hardest thing about having cancer is knowing all that I have to lose.

Today I also caught myself asking why…Why me? This thought is a signal to me that I’m going through another grieving period. I’m grieving about everything I’ve tried to beat this and that it hasn’t worked. I’m grieving that my treatment plan has changed. I’m grieving the loss of my goal of being cancer free.

The most bizarre thing about this is that physically I feel great. I feel like any other healthy 37 y/o male and not like a guy who recently had three major surgeries, radiation to the brain, and is on chemo. I look and feel great, so it is hard for me and for others to comprehend how sick I really am.

One thing that helps me find solace in all of this is knowing that my children and future grandchildren will have colonoscopies at an early age and will be able to catch anything before having to go through what I have gone through.

I don’t want this blog to come across as me giving up and that I have stopped the fight. Actually, it’s the opposite. I’m fighting more than ever. It’s just a tougher fight. 

I can’t express enough my feeling of gratitude for all of the support my family and I have received over the past month. Brain surgery was scary and the outpouring of support was overwhelming. Many people asked what they could do to help my family and me. My dear friend Christina created a fundraising page to help, here is the link:   

http://www.giveforward.com/fundraisers?query=kevin+wein

(Thank you Christina because I never would have done this for myself) Since my cancer diagnosis, Janie’s parents and my parents have been helping us with bills and miscellaneous costs associated with my illness. Many of you have already helped in so many ways and we are grateful for your help. I really don’t know how to express how grateful I am for all of the support I received. I recently read something that stands out to me and helps me with the “why” question…“It is a matter not so much of having more as of being more.” I think the only way I can repay everyone for all of the support is by “being more” and paying it forward others I meet. I think I’ve been “being more” since I was diagnosed and I aspire to continue to “be more” as long as I’m here. Please continue to pray for Janie and the girls. I’ll take some too, but please keep them close to your heart.

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